I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
