my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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