Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
