drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
