pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
