I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
