Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
