puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
