You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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