guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
