Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
