last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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