Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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