I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
