dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
