I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
