holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
