You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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