what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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