i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
