my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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