I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We need a shit load of segways right now
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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