There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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