I met the friendliest cop last night
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
