Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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