i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
