i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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