Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
