im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize