so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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