He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
