I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
