Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize