Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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