We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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