If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
