I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I don't deserve a penis
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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