I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
