I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
