I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
