She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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