we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
