The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
