I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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