I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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