So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
