Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
