You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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