I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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