Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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