Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
