you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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