Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
