We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
