You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
