So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
