I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize