How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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