i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
