theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
