She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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