Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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