Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
