we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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