I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
