He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
