Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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