I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
