i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
