I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
