I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
