I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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