Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
