Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
