I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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