Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
