Cold hands, warm shart.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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